Nothing Special

Absolutely nothing of importance happened today. I felt rather lonely and spent most of my time listening to music. I am off to watch a movie 'We Don't Live Here Anymore'.

Hope its good. Good Night.

What do I do?

What do you do when a person simply does not want to hear what you are saying? I call for a simple reason, a reason that is for the benefit of the other person, and I am accosted for asking questions or making statements to clarify points. She becomes angered over any opposing viewpoints.

I am finding it hard to hold my tongue when I am obviously taking the grunt of some sort of emotional struggle. When I express the fact that I am spending my time to look up information she asked me to find, I get yelled at. When she calls back after the argument to apologize for her behavior and I agree that fighting is bad and hashing each point out to exhaustion is bad, I get yelled at after she brings up the whole conversation from earlier. How do I receive punishment for her doing what she just claimed she did not want to do? It would seem that what she really wants is to say her peace and be done with it. She would seem to not want any comments or thoughts or additional ideas - not one single word uttered in response, positive or negative.

What do I do? We have things that must be talked about and some things we want to talk about. When we talk about random topics the conversation goes great. When we talk about anything that might even closely resemble our son, things turn ugly and fast. For the rest of our lives we will are obligated to have conversations concerning the boy. Am I to look forward to a life of stress resulting in an activity people engage in everyday? There is no way either of us will ever be able to remain any semblance of happiness with a constant stressor lingering over our heads.

What do I do?

I tried to agree and remain silent when she called back. I tried to do a favor for her by looking up information. I tried to listen to her concerns. I tried explain where I was coming from. I tried.

So, what do I do?

I am sure there is something I can do, but the person who knows seems not to want to offer constructive criticism, just putdowns. I know the things I have to work through are causing difficulties, but I am trying. I hope she is too.

When all seems vain, stop, step back, and try another approach - Never give up!

Why does it happen...

...that each and every time I am with my sons mother (let us call her Chica) we invariably discuss our current draining, heart-breaking, nerve-racking situation. And by discuss I more literally mean yell and scream and insult - making completely sure not one morsel of the others thoughts are ever even remotely heard and/or cared for. The topic of these verbal-fisticuffs is our son.

I'll talk in another post about the specifics of our dilemma; now I would like to expound on the actual fighting (more accurately our complete lack of communication skills. Though we are fighting about something right now, she has taught me many things. For instance, it is often better to speak of what you actually know rather than speaking about something you might know about. To that end it is probably a good idea to just talk about my issues with communication.

1 - I need to be heard. Not just have someone listen to me; anyone can sit in front of me, not say a word and nod their head every once and awhile. I need to have my words heard and then most importantly understood. If I notice signs of my thoughts being discarded, immediately, my defenses perk up.

2 - I interrupt. When things heat up and all the cards are on the table, the stakes are high, my desire to be heard increases substantially. Chica will be speaking and as soon as I think I have already addressed that point the interruption steps in. At this point I am usually thinking Chica is not listening, for if she were she wouldn’t be making this point.

3 - I forget to listen. Rather than fully understand Chica’s point I will only hear the part that makes me look bad or is easily rebutted.

4 - I am not clairvoyant, I just pretend. I will often pull a #2 by interrupting after a mere handful of words and claim I know what is going to be said. More often than not it easy to guess the first few sentences, but the real problem is amplified due to the manner in which Chica speaks. She will start at one subject, move to another, swing on around to a seemingly unrelated topic and then somehow wrap it up on point, on topic. There is no way I will ever be able to guess all the different paths she takes to expound her concern.

5 - I know there are others - I’ll post more later.

The worst part about any of these is that I am guilty of not returning the favor to my audience. It is quite hard to ask someone to do something you have obviously not done for them. Hindsight would suggest that I am very emotional and tend to take comments personally even when they are relayed with obvious constructive criticism. The key to my communication is patience - allow the conversation to run its course - choose my words carefully and let the idea speak not my emotional barricades.

Fears Companion

It has been quite an interesting day. After taking care of some paperwork and writing some emails I looked back to emails I had saved over the years. I have been in a transitory stage in my life for the past few months trying to figure out a few things. One of these things are the relationships I have had with women in my life -behavior, train of thought, mistakes and outright fuck ups. So, how have I treated woman.

It has been a matter of formula that I meet someone and become infatuated with them and they in turn develop strong feelings for me. After a small period of time I find myself becoming less involved and then completely disassociated. Then I remember how much I enjoy the other person and I go back to her. Upon return the question is always ’where have you been?’ and I’ll inevitably profess my love for her and she allows my triumphant return. This phase of coming and going can persist for years. This is the formula.

A few things must be known: first, I do feel the things I tell them about my love and care for them, second, in my mind and heart, each and every time I go back, I intend on staying for good, lastly, when I hurt them in this process I feel extreme guilt and desire to be forgiven. Sometimes while I am with someone the thought of my failing them or of not being as good as they claim becomes overwhelming. It is at this moment the path of my exit has been laid before me. I can pinpoint these moments even today and I can remember the almost instantaneous withdrawal.

I have often wanted to really explain what is going on in my head to them and hope that they understand and can help or something. I have started to say things but have then held back due to the fear of a rejection whose catalyst was my ideas, concerns, fears. Somehow I have always believed it to be easier to hide myself and face the pain of hurting someone through a direct action, leaving/being removed emotionally, rather than through the admission of self or the affect from actions taken out of my heart. If they reject me based upon me not being there, then they have not rejected something that is core to my being.

My behavior of guilt transference from my true self to my purposeful disappearance has seemingly become more than a defense mechanism - it has become the drudge of my existence. This behavior also persists in my professional life as well. I tend to give less than all of myself, at work and play, simply for the excuse when things fall apart. Great comfort is found in failure if one knows inside that it wasn’t really them that failed - it was that lesser them.

What then is the result of these actions? At times people have called out or seen through this half-existence. I in return try to finagle my way out of it. This usually entails the simple revelation of a small part of myself I have previously guarded. I realize now that partial truth can be more detrimental than an actual lie. The pattern seems to be this: partial truth is revealed upon questioning, then another question at a later time is posed on the same subject, partial truth is revealed once more, the result is someone who now sees multiple ’truths’ concerning one subject, after too many of these ’truths’ the actual truth will not be accepted, I now become, essentially, a liar. I have learned the very hard way - I person can only be hurt so many times.

Another way out of the inevitable questioning is the blatant lie. At times the fear of just letting myself out from under the veil will cause an almost complete freeze. Panic sets in so hard that my mind would only think of what would get me out of this predicament immediately. Obviously paying no heed to what would actual solve the problem in the long-term.

For those that have been affected by this behavior I can only offer this - I am sorry; I did not want to hurt you.

In the Beginning

What I have to tell you is moreso what I have to tell myself. My sincerest desires, in doing so, are for you to know my mind and my heart. I have tried, unsuccessfully, to explain these innermost goings on through normal channels of human interaction. These failures have led to a life spent either in numbing the world out or so wrapped up in it I could not breathe. Now that I approach a more healthy stage I would like to delve into that which has prior hurt myself and hurt others.

So for my own good I hope to realize the oscilating paths of my life have given to me the most bright of futures. And for the good of my ever cherished loved ones - I hope you might realize the benefits of your love and guidence. To those I have hurt and lied to I offer my appologies and most importantly the proceding posts and my fervent desire to live a better life.

I owe to many more than one is capable of reconciling , but I will try.

Thats my Boy

-


A fine young man only 19 months of age. He is a big fan of blocks, playing the keyboards and of his 16' FatMax Stanley tape measure. Just like his 'old man' is tall and skinny - which I am sure he will remain for the entirety of his life. The amazement he has for the simple operation of a light switch puts all else life has to offer in perspective.

I remember when he was just born and would suck on my thumb. It is hard to fully explain how immediate my paternal instincts broke into action. When I found out I was to be a father an instantaneous fear overcame me. I dreaded losing my son before I even had the chance to meet the little guy.

Finally the day came from the first ultrasound and my first chance to look at my child. Never did blurry blobs on a monitor look so good. Soon after my fears shifted from losing him to not being able to provide for his future. Up to this point in his life he has been cared for well, but I could have done much more.

This blog exists in part to keep constant an accountability with myself for an increased awareness of my parenting. To make sure my path to becoming the man I wish my son to be is kept steadfast.

I have been denied access for alone time with my son by his mother. It is for his benefit that I have taken action in court to force his mother to grant visitation. More on this later.

Simply put - having my son has driven many courses in my life toward a singular goal - Improving myself, improves my ability to father, which improves my sons life.