Why does it happen...

...that each and every time I am with my sons mother (let us call her Chica) we invariably discuss our current draining, heart-breaking, nerve-racking situation. And by discuss I more literally mean yell and scream and insult - making completely sure not one morsel of the others thoughts are ever even remotely heard and/or cared for. The topic of these verbal-fisticuffs is our son.

I'll talk in another post about the specifics of our dilemma; now I would like to expound on the actual fighting (more accurately our complete lack of communication skills. Though we are fighting about something right now, she has taught me many things. For instance, it is often better to speak of what you actually know rather than speaking about something you might know about. To that end it is probably a good idea to just talk about my issues with communication.

1 - I need to be heard. Not just have someone listen to me; anyone can sit in front of me, not say a word and nod their head every once and awhile. I need to have my words heard and then most importantly understood. If I notice signs of my thoughts being discarded, immediately, my defenses perk up.

2 - I interrupt. When things heat up and all the cards are on the table, the stakes are high, my desire to be heard increases substantially. Chica will be speaking and as soon as I think I have already addressed that point the interruption steps in. At this point I am usually thinking Chica is not listening, for if she were she wouldn’t be making this point.

3 - I forget to listen. Rather than fully understand Chica’s point I will only hear the part that makes me look bad or is easily rebutted.

4 - I am not clairvoyant, I just pretend. I will often pull a #2 by interrupting after a mere handful of words and claim I know what is going to be said. More often than not it easy to guess the first few sentences, but the real problem is amplified due to the manner in which Chica speaks. She will start at one subject, move to another, swing on around to a seemingly unrelated topic and then somehow wrap it up on point, on topic. There is no way I will ever be able to guess all the different paths she takes to expound her concern.

5 - I know there are others - I’ll post more later.

The worst part about any of these is that I am guilty of not returning the favor to my audience. It is quite hard to ask someone to do something you have obviously not done for them. Hindsight would suggest that I am very emotional and tend to take comments personally even when they are relayed with obvious constructive criticism. The key to my communication is patience - allow the conversation to run its course - choose my words carefully and let the idea speak not my emotional barricades.