Fears Companion

It has been quite an interesting day. After taking care of some paperwork and writing some emails I looked back to emails I had saved over the years. I have been in a transitory stage in my life for the past few months trying to figure out a few things. One of these things are the relationships I have had with women in my life -behavior, train of thought, mistakes and outright fuck ups. So, how have I treated woman.

It has been a matter of formula that I meet someone and become infatuated with them and they in turn develop strong feelings for me. After a small period of time I find myself becoming less involved and then completely disassociated. Then I remember how much I enjoy the other person and I go back to her. Upon return the question is always ’where have you been?’ and I’ll inevitably profess my love for her and she allows my triumphant return. This phase of coming and going can persist for years. This is the formula.

A few things must be known: first, I do feel the things I tell them about my love and care for them, second, in my mind and heart, each and every time I go back, I intend on staying for good, lastly, when I hurt them in this process I feel extreme guilt and desire to be forgiven. Sometimes while I am with someone the thought of my failing them or of not being as good as they claim becomes overwhelming. It is at this moment the path of my exit has been laid before me. I can pinpoint these moments even today and I can remember the almost instantaneous withdrawal.

I have often wanted to really explain what is going on in my head to them and hope that they understand and can help or something. I have started to say things but have then held back due to the fear of a rejection whose catalyst was my ideas, concerns, fears. Somehow I have always believed it to be easier to hide myself and face the pain of hurting someone through a direct action, leaving/being removed emotionally, rather than through the admission of self or the affect from actions taken out of my heart. If they reject me based upon me not being there, then they have not rejected something that is core to my being.

My behavior of guilt transference from my true self to my purposeful disappearance has seemingly become more than a defense mechanism - it has become the drudge of my existence. This behavior also persists in my professional life as well. I tend to give less than all of myself, at work and play, simply for the excuse when things fall apart. Great comfort is found in failure if one knows inside that it wasn’t really them that failed - it was that lesser them.

What then is the result of these actions? At times people have called out or seen through this half-existence. I in return try to finagle my way out of it. This usually entails the simple revelation of a small part of myself I have previously guarded. I realize now that partial truth can be more detrimental than an actual lie. The pattern seems to be this: partial truth is revealed upon questioning, then another question at a later time is posed on the same subject, partial truth is revealed once more, the result is someone who now sees multiple ’truths’ concerning one subject, after too many of these ’truths’ the actual truth will not be accepted, I now become, essentially, a liar. I have learned the very hard way - I person can only be hurt so many times.

Another way out of the inevitable questioning is the blatant lie. At times the fear of just letting myself out from under the veil will cause an almost complete freeze. Panic sets in so hard that my mind would only think of what would get me out of this predicament immediately. Obviously paying no heed to what would actual solve the problem in the long-term.

For those that have been affected by this behavior I can only offer this - I am sorry; I did not want to hurt you.