Perspective

I have recently spent much time in a culture other than my own and it has opened my eyes. Growing up in America I was not taught how to really enjoy myself, my family and my friends. I hope I can one day master this, just as so many other people in cultures across the world have master this.

Like a baby...

I find myself, as of late, becoming teary eyed over things which had not previously rendered a response. After an episode of The Cosby Show that ends happily I can feel the tears welling up inside. Commercials with families loving one another, a child in public embracing their father, a conversation about people overcoming personal adversity, all of these send me to the brink of emotional breakdown.

I wonder why that is.

First Step

Is it possible that one step, one change, one thing going just a tad differently, is enough to change the tides. After a long period of time where attitudes and behaviors have down spiraled out of control, it becomes quite hard to see an upside. I have spent much time pondering changes I could make and then which changes I should make. In this time I have realized change is precipitated not by holding on to lofty ideals, but rather the willingness to adapt these ideals to an actual context. The problem for me arises in which context to focus my efforts. The problem arises for me in pinpointing the cause contributing to my lack of steadfast focus.

Various causes have derailed my focus in the past, all to be found in the tangled threads of my psyche. Drastic emotional shifts, debilitating fears and an inability to communicate have put within my person an ability to block out a true hope and replace it with a temporary fix. Time has given me the opportunity to use the pages of history as a guide to the underlying motes operandi in my life. The key is to now address the issues that have prevented my pursuing long-term goals to make possible the first step.

If it is possible to train ones mind to overcome the years of conditioning and pattern formation engrained throughout life experiences, then it is possible for me tackle hurdles preventing my true happiness. This being so, let my current efforts of self-actualization be the catalyst to my first step.

Move on? Move in?

I am not very apt in the art of moving on from love. I have also not been inclined to settle myself in and do the things required to really make it work. If I could just get some sort of affirmation that the effort would be accepted. I have felt that in the past I have offered myself over and began the process of keeping the line of love intact. I know the problems I have still needed complettion or even a solid start, but I do feel the desire was there. I have at times expected more of an immediate appreciation for these desires, which is not completely fair, I am willing to do more than most people would ever recognize, but I NEED support in the process.

Sometimes I think it would be as simple as her calling me and telling me she needs me. Sometimes as easy as her taking my hand, looking in my eyes with a smile and giving me a hug. Always as hard as her explaining how sorry she was for certain actions and expressing the desire for us to work together in the first and continuing steps of our relationship.

I have not been entirely ready to do what it would really take to save a relationship - I am now. In the past it was hard for me to say what I really felt - I am telling you now. Then and now the fear of failing her and I has left me half a person - Well I am still a little scared.

I become apprehensive to share innermost thoughts and fears because I do not want somebody to hear them and them leave. To decide that based upon my twisted insides I am not good enough for them. To be rejected because of truth.

I have learned now that I am sure to be discarded without truth. To not risk the dismissal is to not allow for true acceptance.

To you who know - know this: The desire is there and the actions, though slow, have begun; please don't give up yet.